Do you ever feel like you’re in the wrong place like you’re destined to be somewhere else? No matter what you do or accomplish, you still have that feeling like you can do bigger and better things. This feeling never goes away for me. Ever since I could remember, I told people I would never stay where I was at. I knew at a very young age, I was meant to do something great, something big with my life. I realize for many people this may sound like aspirations. For a while, I tried to convince myself that it was just that. I thought I would wake up one day, and be content where I was at. The older I get, the stronger the feeling and/or urge is for me to pack everything and follow my gut. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy where I am now, but there is just something in me driving me to go out and do more in this world. This is making me question everything I have done up until this point. I’m in school right now, and my major is in clinical psychology. Whenever I start to question whether this is right for me, something occurs within my life that assures me I’m on the right path. This has proven to be true for other aspects of my life as well. However, the one thing that has never been certain for me is this place where I’m at right now. I ask myself sometimes where is home, and I realize it’s not here. I know it in my heart where I am supposed to be, but following through with this means leaving everything behind. I know when I leave, I’m going to end up hurting many people. That stopped me once before, but so much time has passed and my desire only grew stronger. It’s scary, but I know I will never be content with my life if I don’t follow through with it. So, this is for all the people taking a leap of faith, and following their dreams. The only time I can recall being scared and excited all at once.
Out of sight out of mind, am I right? If I don’t talk about it or think about will it go away on its own, or will the burden just weigh heavier on me? These questions go through my head on a daily basis. The feeling of waking up completely drenched in sadness, and wishing you hadn’t woken up in the first place. Not being able to physically get out of bed because the emotions have completely drained you. At times you know why you’re depressed, and there are times where you don’t have a clue. I am one of those people that bury my feelings, and will almost never share how I truly feel because I feel too much. When I do share, it’s only what I think that person can actually handle. My feelings are so complex that it’s hard for me to express to another person. If any of the above describes you, well then you know how especially difficult it is when those emotions flood through the walls you built up. It’s like knowing you’re going to get sucker punched, but just not when. It’s super difficult to deal with the aftermath of it all, and on top of that embarrassing because you don’t know when it will hit you. This has happened to me on several occasions. Crying for me is a way I let out all these emotions; despite the fact, I hate crying and avoid it at all costs. One of the most embarrassing times it has happened to me was at the gym. I was running on the treadmill and doing some deep thinking (not a very good idea for the record), and bam it hit me. The universe literally said screw you Sulvana, and the gates of Hell opened on me. I ran to the locker room immediately. I must have been in there for a good half hour crying till I became numb to it all, and could no longer feel. I can without a doubt say that this was a turning point for me. I realized then what I wish I would have a long time ago. We cannot hide our emotions, nor should we even try. The best way to handle something is right away. Don’t let these unpleasant feelings build up inside of you. It isn’t healthy, and for someone who has been battling depression, this can only make matters worse. Since then, I have become much better at opening up and allowing myself to feel that. I don’t want to sound like I have made a complete change in my life because I still struggle with opening up. I don’t fear facing reality. I just don’t want to feel that pain period. My biggest fear is feeling pain emotionally and psychologically. That is why I don’t have or keep very many people in my life. If that person has done something that hurt me whether it was intentional or not, I drop them from my life like they never existed. Sounds harsh right? People that have depression and battled with depression for a long time know this all too well. Over time, you learn that it’s not worth it to keep people in your life who feed the depression. I wanted to share this because there are so many people out there who have depression that you would think there is nothing wrong with them. I think a lot of people are going to be shocked after reading this because I hear the comment often that it seems like I have everything figured out and things just seem to be going really well for me. Truth is I been battling depression since the 4th grade, and I’m no longer ashamed and/ or afraid to say it.
1. You can’t openly talk to this person. What I mean by this is you can’t say what you really want to say because this person doesn’t seem to care and/ or makes you feel crazy or not normal whenever you do try to bring up a conversation. I’m not talking about random conversations. I’m talking about the conversations where it involves your feelings. Things that are important to you.
2. You always feel like you are doing too much. You ever get that feeling like you’re in a one-sided relationship? You are constantly showing your love and appreciation for this person in hopes they will do the same. Chances are this person doesn’t feel the same way you do about them.
3. You are constantly having to ask for things. What I mean by that is you are having to ask: for your partner to spend time with you, for him/her to show you some type of affection, to do things that regular couples just do.
4. They aren’t there when you need them. When things get real and you are the one in need, your partner is no where to be found. They give you excuses for why they can’t be there or they can’t talk to you at the moment. You are put on the back burner so to speak. Meanwhile you are always quick to jump through hoops to make sure they are alright.
5. Your partner shows no interest in you. Some people in life like the chase more than they like the capture. Did your partner show more interest in you during the talking stage? Now that you are dating they stopped completely showing interest in you. This can be very painful and you can be left feeling pretty lonely. This is a reason you may be doing too much for them. You are trying so hard to get them to show some interest in you whether it’s emotionally or physically, but it just doesn’t work.
Her eyes are something one can never forget.
She’s not at all what you’d expect.
She has the devil’s look and the heart of an angel.
The perfect mixture of heaven and hell.
Think twice before you enter her domain,
she blurred the line between love and pain.
Her heart is big, but can grow so cold.
You’d be wise not to cross her,
that woman is danger even in her most innocent form.
And if after this you still decide to look for her,
you’ll find her waiting where the darkness lingers.
The last few blog posts have received backlash from some readers. I would just like to say that it is my blog, therefore I can and will post what I choose. The poetry I have written express different parts of my life and stages I have gone through. I refuse to censor my writing. I’m not at all trying to be rude. Thank you to everyone who has and continues to read my blog. For the people that have a problem with it I suggest you don’t read at all or read at your own discretion. Sending love to all my readers.
We meet again old friend, it’s as if you never truly left. I feel you now even more so than before. You had me fooled, I wanted to believe in what I once thought was only in my dreams. There for a second I did actually believe. I believed that I had finally found the one that’s going to reciprocate my love. I believed that after all the hardships something good had finally come my way. I believed that I had found someone who adored me as much as I do them. I have since given up on those fairytales, and reverted back to old ways. A few tears and a glass of wine later, I accepted that this is just how it’s meant to be. After all it is better to have died with a cold heart than a broken one. You feel nothing instead of everything.
I crave him in ways that are unimaginable to the human mind. One touch sends me into overdrive, and a kiss into ecstasy. He teases me with his looks. He knows what he is doing to me, and enjoys seeing me agonize over how much I want him. Yet, he still makes me wait. I pretend that he is the devil at times because he makes me want to sin every time he is near. So I wait for him day and night. Just like the devil he is deceiving. He is nowhere to be found when I need him, and only comes around to be pleased. He leaves me wanting him, but him not me. My body and soul long for the love that he is unwilling to give me. I took a chance, little did I know I would be hooked. I’m hooked to a man who doesn’t desire me as much as I do him, but what can I do when I’m completely in love with him? That’s the price I pay for letting the devil take my heart.
She walks amongst you all,
a force to be reckoned with.
She knows no pain,
for she has felt it all.
Her soul lit on fire,
burning the paths beneath her feet.
She is feared,
for she is in love with the darkness.
Constantly being reborn,
she carries the wisdom of over a thousand years.
The devil has nothing on her,
For she is a dead woman walking.
Promises of forever love and care is what you made.
As time went on the more and more your promises became broken.
You hurt the person that cared and loved you the most.
Little by little I became strong, and you became weak.
I started to pull away, and you tried to get closer.
I tried to leave, and once again you showed your true colors.
You told a thousand lies, for the countless of times you broke my heart.
Only this time I didn’t pretend to believe you.
I walked away without a word.
That was far more powerful than the thousand lies you told me.
We all have at one point or another took less than what we deserved. I will be the first to admit, there are things in my past that I took that no one should have to take. At the time, I didn’t know any better and thought this person would wake up and change. I was the person that needed to wake up and change. I don’t know what it was that sparked in my head, but it taught me a valuable lesson. I learned that I was worth being treated right, and if someone values you then they will not be treating you like anything less. This goes not only for your significant other, but friends and family too. You should value yourself enough to know what you deserve, how to get it, and how to walk away from those that give you less. If you feel like you are contributing more of an effort into the relationship (significant other, friend, relative etc..) than they are, chances are your gut didn’t steer you wrong. After a while, you will notice a pattern with this person. They call only when they need something from you. When you are going through a difficult time they aren’t there. This person will come up with excuses for their behavior. Be aware of this because this type of behavior might lead them to make you feel like you are the bad one. People that use others for only their benefit can be very manipulative and persuasive. This is why so many people out there stay in bad relationships, friendships etc… This person can and eventually will make you feel like it’s your fault, and that you deserve the bullshit they are handing you. Wake up, and let the sunshine into your life darling because you are worth so much more than that. When you realize that, you will almost immediately feel better. Next step is to kick these people completely out of your life. You don’t need them and don’t owe them an explanation either. Once you do that, the next step is finding out what makes you feel good because chances are this person knocked your self-esteem down quite a few notches. It can be something as simple as listening to music and dancing in your underwear when no one is there. I really got into fitness a few years ago and kicked it into high gear this past year. That is something I discovered that made me feel really good. I can’t explain it. It is my high in a sense. Now is the time to find your high (without actually getting high). Loving yourself and who you are is also very important. Chances are if you love yourself enough, you will be less likely to keep people like this in your life. you will also be better equipped to handle the aftermath this person (s) may cause. Something that also really helped me is every morning when I wake up and look in the mirror, I tell myself “you are amazing, you are worth something, and you are going to slay this day.” It might seem silly, but trust me it works. I will be making a whole separate blog post on self-love and encouragement. I want to thank all my readers, and I hope that I help someone out there going through this.