I will always have those moments in my life where I wish I would have spoken up. The moments where I wish I would have said what was so heavy on my heart. Those are the words my heart would not allow me to say. The things I buried deep, and the burden I carry with me every day. I believe we all have had moments in our life where we longed to say something, but the words were just easier to swallow than say. You come to the point where you have to decide do you let it eat you alive, or do you set it free and move past it. For the longest time, I let it eat me alive. It overtook me until I let it become me. I had become even more closed off from people. I stopped allowing people in until people no longer knew who I was anymore. I put on such a brave face every day that no one can ever tell how much pain I’m in or how great of a burden I’m carrying. I have and still to this day take care of everybody. I’m everyone’s shoulder to lean on. To the best of my ability, I always treat people the way I want to be treated. I’m there for everyone the way they should be there for me. Keyword should. Maybe one day they will wake up and do the same for me. That day has yet to come. Unfortunately, I have become accustomed to this. I never ask for anything from anyone. I am strong because I have been put through things where that was my only option. I am strong even when I don’t have to be. I am the type that would rather lose a limb than to ever let someone see me in my moment of weakness. Over the years I have learned that just because I’m strong doesn’t mean I don’t need someone to be there for me from time to time. I just keep hoping one day someone will tell me that I don’t have to be so strong because they will be there to take care of me even when I fall. Not only say that but actually follow through on those words. Maybe one day that person will hear the words my heart would never let me say and all the burdens that lay heavy on my chest will go away.
It was my senior year of high school, everything is going amazing for me. I was a straight A student with an excellent GPA, and all my teachers loved me. I was the girl who had everything figured out, and already planned out what I wanted and what age I was going to get it. I had my whole life planned out. That year I was offered a full ride to Georgetown University. I was completely in shock; I had applied, but I didn’t think I was going to get a full ride. I remember going home that day so excited to tell my family. My family was always very proud of me, especially my father. My family had known for a long time all I wanted to do was get out of the small town I currently live in, and go to a much bigger city. Somewhere I could have an adventure, and write about all the amazing things I did. I live for travel and adventures.So, when I told my family that I would be moving they were not the least bit surprised. Everyone was happy for me, but sad at the same time that I would be leaving. I didn’t accept the offer right away even though I wanted to. I wanted to scream hell yes at the top of my lungs, and pack my bags right away. There was one thing holding me back from doing so. That one thing made me turn down the offer. I was secretly devastated by this. No one knew that at the time though. I look back from time to time and wonder what would have happened if I had accepted the offer. I wonder how my life would have turned out. I wonder if I would have been much happier. Most importantly I wonder if I made the right decision. Here I am two years later, faced with the same decision and I am completely at a loss of what I should do. Within the past year, my life here has completely changed. I rediscovered who I was, and what I wanted out of my life. I want a life filled with happiness, risks, wisdom, and adventure. I keep contemplating it in my mind if I can get all that and reside where I am today. A part of me wants to leave and go after this amazing life that I always dreamed of, but another part me is not ready to leave behind what I started here. Especially if what I started here is something that is meant to be. Decisions, decisions.
Today my abnormal psychology class had an interesting discussion on what is considered to be normal in today’s society. As a future psychologist, I absolutely hate the word abnormal. Who is to say what is normal and what isn’t. However, I do believe there are people who have mental disorders/ disabilities that impair and/ or complicates the individual’s quality of life. The discussion ultimately boiled down to the stigma against people who suffer from a mental disorder. This is a topic that really gets my blood boiling, and me being the blunt person I am I opened my big mouth in class today. It was incredible for me to see firsthand what people think about people who suffer from a mental disorder(s). I was shocked. People had such distorted and exaggerated images of what a person who suffers from a mental disorder acts like and even looks like. We use labels such as crazy, schizo, looney, abnormal, bipolar, OCD and so on. I hate labeling anyone and using words like that to define someone. A mental disorder should not define anyone. Instead of saying that person is bipolar or schizophrenic, we should be saying that person suffers from bipolar disorder or schizophrenia. Labeling people who suffer from these types of disorders has just added to the stigma. I have so much respect and love for the people who have a mental disorder. My passion and the thing that drives me the most about becoming a psychologist is that one day I am going to wake up every day of my life and improve the quality of life of an individual that society has basically shunned. Everyone no matter what they are suffering from should never feel any less of a human being because they suffer from a mental illness. I have made it my mission in life to actually help these individuals, and bring more awareness to mental illness. In doing so I hope to decrease the stigma around it. I decided to start a chapter at my school that is going to bring awareness to mental illness and what it actually is like to suffer from mental illness. I am beyond excited and will keep you guys posted on the progress and things I am doing with the chapter.
I have officially been vegan for seven months now, and it has been the best decision I have made thus far in my life. I have not looked back since. Let me rewind a little bit and share why I became vegan. Growing up I have always had issues with my health. In and out of doctor’s offices, and emergency rooms. It seemed like a never ending cycle. I would resolve one issue only to find out something else is wrong with me. I am not big on taking medication, and embrace the idea that our bodies can naturally heal itself. I started researching home remedies, and how to keep your body healthy a more natural way. I came upon a video on YouTube that introduced the idea of veganism to me. After that, I watched several other videos and read many articles on being vegan. I decided this was something that I wanted to try out for myself. The question people ask me the most is if it was hard transitioning to becoming vegan. I reply no with a smirk on my face. I transitioned hard and fast into the vegan lifestyle. I went cold turkey so to speak on anything that had any form of animal product in it. I still can’t believe how incredibly easy it was for me because I had read other people’s experiences on transitioning into veganism and how difficult it was for them. I think the biggest factor in my transitioning so easily was the fact I never liked to eat meat in the first place. It made me sick to my stomach to think I was going to eat something that had to suffer in order to get on my plate. Growing up I would always look for alternatives like fruits and veggies. The fact that I am also lactose intolerant helped too because for those that don’t know vegans don’t consume any form of dairy. I made this change in my life after moving out of my parent’s home because I had the freedom and the resources to choose how I was going to live my life. I’m happy to say that I have never been healthier. Seven months and not one doctor visit or emergency room incident. For me, that has been a great blessing in my life as well as a burden that has been lifted off my shoulders. I do plan to make more posts about veganism, and delicious recipes I discovered along the way.
It has been a while since I last posted, and so much has happened since then. I haven’t had time to post anything because school and my work life has got in the way of my writing. I am currently in the last half of my second year of college. It has been a year of changes. All have been positive changes. Starting with work, I got a job that is helping me work towards my career as being a psychotherapist. I have finally affirmed that becoming a psychotherapist is my calling in life. My advice to anyone struggling to find their calling is to really think about yourself only when making this decision. It is a huge decision in your life and one that is only going to affect you for the most part ( if you have kids and/or spouse then this will affect them too). I came to the conclusion that I can no longer live my life how others are wanting and telling me to live it. So I decided to be selfish, and block everyone’s opinion (my family mostly) and I followed my gut. I am staying on the path to becoming a psychotherapist regardless of what others have told me. Another huge life update is that I am in a relationship again, and I have never been happier in my entire life. I am going to make a separate post about this later. I want to wish everyone a happy new year, and may it bring everyone lots of love and happiness.