Do you ever feel like you’re in the wrong place like you’re destined to be somewhere else? No matter what you do or accomplish, you still have that feeling like you can do bigger and better things. This feeling never goes away for me. Ever since I could remember, I told people I would never stay where I was at. I knew at a very young age, I was meant to do something great, something big with my life. I realize for many people this may sound like aspirations. For a while, I tried to convince myself that it was just that. I thought I would wake up one day, and be content where I was at. The older I get, the stronger the feeling and/or urge is for me to pack everything and follow my gut. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy where I am now, but there is just something in me driving me to go out and do more in this world. This is making me question everything I have done up until this point. I’m in school right now, and my major is in clinical psychology. Whenever I start to question whether this is right for me, something occurs within my life that assures me I’m on the right path. This has proven to be true for other aspects of my life as well. However, the one thing that has never been certain for me is this place where I’m at right now. I ask myself sometimes where is home, and I realize it’s not here. I know it in my heart where I am supposed to be, but following through with this means leaving everything behind. I know when I leave, I’m going to end up hurting many people. That stopped me once before, but so much time has passed and my desire only grew stronger. It’s scary, but I know I will never be content with my life if I don’t follow through with it. So, this is for all the people taking a leap of faith, and following their dreams. The only time I can recall being scared and excited all at once.
Out of sight out of mind, am I right? If I don’t talk about it or think about will it go away on its own, or will the burden just weigh heavier on me? These questions go through my head on a daily basis. The feeling of waking up completely drenched in sadness, and wishing you hadn’t woken up in the first place. Not being able to physically get out of bed because the emotions have completely drained you. At times you know why you’re depressed, and there are times where you don’t have a clue. I am one of those people that bury my feelings, and will almost never share how I truly feel because I feel too much. When I do share, it’s only what I think that person can actually handle. My feelings are so complex that it’s hard for me to express to another person. If any of the above describes you, well then you know how especially difficult it is when those emotions flood through the walls you built up. It’s like knowing you’re going to get sucker punched, but just not when. It’s super difficult to deal with the aftermath of it all, and on top of that embarrassing because you don’t know when it will hit you. This has happened to me on several occasions. Crying for me is a way I let out all these emotions; despite the fact, I hate crying and avoid it at all costs. One of the most embarrassing times it has happened to me was at the gym. I was running on the treadmill and doing some deep thinking (not a very good idea for the record), and bam it hit me. The universe literally said screw you Sulvana, and the gates of Hell opened on me. I ran to the locker room immediately. I must have been in there for a good half hour crying till I became numb to it all, and could no longer feel. I can without a doubt say that this was a turning point for me. I realized then what I wish I would have a long time ago. We cannot hide our emotions, nor should we even try. The best way to handle something is right away. Don’t let these unpleasant feelings build up inside of you. It isn’t healthy, and for someone who has been battling depression, this can only make matters worse. Since then, I have become much better at opening up and allowing myself to feel that. I don’t want to sound like I have made a complete change in my life because I still struggle with opening up. I don’t fear facing reality. I just don’t want to feel that pain period. My biggest fear is feeling pain emotionally and psychologically. That is why I don’t have or keep very many people in my life. If that person has done something that hurt me whether it was intentional or not, I drop them from my life like they never existed. Sounds harsh right? People that have depression and battled with depression for a long time know this all too well. Over time, you learn that it’s not worth it to keep people in your life who feed the depression. I wanted to share this because there are so many people out there who have depression that you would think there is nothing wrong with them. I think a lot of people are going to be shocked after reading this because I hear the comment often that it seems like I have everything figured out and things just seem to be going really well for me. Truth is I been battling depression since the 4th grade, and I’m no longer ashamed and/ or afraid to say it.
1. You can’t openly talk to this person. What I mean by this is you can’t say what you really want to say because this person doesn’t seem to care and/ or makes you feel crazy or not normal whenever you do try to bring up a conversation. I’m not talking about random conversations. I’m talking about the conversations where it involves your feelings. Things that are important to you.
2. You always feel like you are doing too much. You ever get that feeling like you’re in a one-sided relationship? You are constantly showing your love and appreciation for this person in hopes they will do the same. Chances are this person doesn’t feel the same way you do about them.
3. You are constantly having to ask for things. What I mean by that is you are having to ask: for your partner to spend time with you, for him/her to show you some type of affection, to do things that regular couples just do.
4. They aren’t there when you need them. When things get real and you are the one in need, your partner is no where to be found. They give you excuses for why they can’t be there or they can’t talk to you at the moment. You are put on the back burner so to speak. Meanwhile you are always quick to jump through hoops to make sure they are alright.
5. Your partner shows no interest in you. Some people in life like the chase more than they like the capture. Did your partner show more interest in you during the talking stage? Now that you are dating they stopped completely showing interest in you. This can be very painful and you can be left feeling pretty lonely. This is a reason you may be doing too much for them. You are trying so hard to get them to show some interest in you whether it’s emotionally or physically, but it just doesn’t work.