Living with Depression

Out of sight out of mind, am I right? If I don’t talk about it or think about will it go away on its own, or will the burden just weigh heavier on me? These questions go through my head on a daily basis. The feeling of waking up completely drenched in sadness, and wishing you hadn’t woken up in the first place. Not being able to physically get out of bed because the emotions have completely drained you. At times you know why you’re depressed, and there are times where you don’t have a clue. I am one of those people that bury my feelings, and will almost never share how I truly feel because I feel too much. When I do share, it’s only what I think that person can actually handle. My feelings are so complex that it’s hard for me to express to another person. If any of the above describes you, well then you know how especially difficult it is when those emotions flood through the walls you built up. It’s like knowing you’re going to get sucker punched, but just not when. It’s super difficult to deal with the aftermath of it all, and on top of that embarrassing because you don’t know when it will hit you. This has happened to me on several occasions. Crying for me is a way I let out all these emotions; despite the fact, I hate crying and avoid it at all costs. One of the most embarrassing times it has happened to me was at the gym. I was running on the treadmill and doing some deep thinking (not a very good idea for the record), and bam it hit me. The universe literally said screw you Sulvana, and the gates of Hell opened on me. I ran to the locker room immediately. I must have been in there for a good half hour crying till I became numb to it all, and could no longer feel.  I can without a doubt say that this was a turning point for me. I realized then what I wish I would have a long time ago. We cannot hide our emotions, nor should we even try. The best way to handle something is right away. Don’t let these unpleasant feelings build up inside of you. It isn’t healthy, and for someone who has been battling depression, this can only make matters worse. Since then, I have become much better at opening up and allowing myself to feel that.  I don’t want to sound like I have made a complete change in my life because I still struggle with opening up. I don’t fear facing reality. I just don’t want to feel that pain period. My biggest fear is feeling pain emotionally and psychologically. That is why I don’t have or keep very many people in my life. If that person has done something that hurt me whether it was intentional or not, I drop them from my life like they never existed. Sounds harsh right? People that have depression and battled with depression for a long time know this all too well. Over time, you learn that it’s not worth it to keep people in your life who feed the depression. I wanted to share this because there are so many people out there who have depression that you would think there is nothing wrong with them. I think a lot of people are going to be shocked after reading this because I hear the comment often that it seems like I have everything figured out and things just seem to be going really well for me. Truth is I been battling depression since the 4th grade, and I’m no longer ashamed and/ or afraid to say it.

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