Do you ever feel like you’re in the wrong place like you’re destined to be somewhere else? No matter what you do or accomplish, you still have that feeling like you can do bigger and better things. This feeling never goes away for me. Ever since I could remember, I told people I would never stay where I was at. I knew at a very young age, I was meant to do something great, something big with my life. I realize for many people this may sound like aspirations. For a while, I tried to convince myself that it was just that. I thought I would wake up one day, and be content where I was at. The older I get, the stronger the feeling and/or urge is for me to pack everything and follow my gut. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy where I am now, but there is just something in me driving me to go out and do more in this world. This is making me question everything I have done up until this point. I’m in school right now, and my major is in clinical psychology. Whenever I start to question whether this is right for me, something occurs within my life that assures me I’m on the right path. This has proven to be true for other aspects of my life as well. However, the one thing that has never been certain for me is this place where I’m at right now. I ask myself sometimes where is home, and I realize it’s not here. I know it in my heart where I am supposed to be, but following through with this means leaving everything behind. I know when I leave, I’m going to end up hurting many people. That stopped me once before, but so much time has passed and my desire only grew stronger. It’s scary, but I know I will never be content with my life if I don’t follow through with it. So, this is for all the people taking a leap of faith, and following their dreams. The only time I can recall being scared and excited all at once.
Out of sight out of mind, am I right? If I don’t talk about it or think about will it go away on its own, or will the burden just weigh heavier on me? These questions go through my head on a daily basis. The feeling of waking up completely drenched in sadness, and wishing you hadn’t woken up in the first place. Not being able to physically get out of bed because the emotions have completely drained you. At times you know why you’re depressed, and there are times where you don’t have a clue. I am one of those people that bury my feelings, and will almost never share how I truly feel because I feel too much. When I do share, it’s only what I think that person can actually handle. My feelings are so complex that it’s hard for me to express to another person. If any of the above describes you, well then you know how especially difficult it is when those emotions flood through the walls you built up. It’s like knowing you’re going to get sucker punched, but just not when. It’s super difficult to deal with the aftermath of it all, and on top of that embarrassing because you don’t know when it will hit you. This has happened to me on several occasions. Crying for me is a way I let out all these emotions; despite the fact, I hate crying and avoid it at all costs. One of the most embarrassing times it has happened to me was at the gym. I was running on the treadmill and doing some deep thinking (not a very good idea for the record), and bam it hit me. The universe literally said screw you Sulvana, and the gates of Hell opened on me. I ran to the locker room immediately. I must have been in there for a good half hour crying till I became numb to it all, and could no longer feel. I can without a doubt say that this was a turning point for me. I realized then what I wish I would have a long time ago. We cannot hide our emotions, nor should we even try. The best way to handle something is right away. Don’t let these unpleasant feelings build up inside of you. It isn’t healthy, and for someone who has been battling depression, this can only make matters worse. Since then, I have become much better at opening up and allowing myself to feel that. I don’t want to sound like I have made a complete change in my life because I still struggle with opening up. I don’t fear facing reality. I just don’t want to feel that pain period. My biggest fear is feeling pain emotionally and psychologically. That is why I don’t have or keep very many people in my life. If that person has done something that hurt me whether it was intentional or not, I drop them from my life like they never existed. Sounds harsh right? People that have depression and battled with depression for a long time know this all too well. Over time, you learn that it’s not worth it to keep people in your life who feed the depression. I wanted to share this because there are so many people out there who have depression that you would think there is nothing wrong with them. I think a lot of people are going to be shocked after reading this because I hear the comment often that it seems like I have everything figured out and things just seem to be going really well for me. Truth is I been battling depression since the 4th grade, and I’m no longer ashamed and/ or afraid to say it.
The last few blog posts have received backlash from some readers. I would just like to say that it is my blog, therefore I can and will post what I choose. The poetry I have written express different parts of my life and stages I have gone through. I refuse to censor my writing. I’m not at all trying to be rude. Thank you to everyone who has and continues to read my blog. For the people that have a problem with it I suggest you don’t read at all or read at your own discretion. Sending love to all my readers.
Promises of forever love and care is what you made.
As time went on the more and more your promises became broken.
You hurt the person that cared and loved you the most.
Little by little I became strong, and you became weak.
I started to pull away, and you tried to get closer.
I tried to leave, and once again you showed your true colors.
You told a thousand lies, for the countless of times you broke my heart.
Only this time I didn’t pretend to believe you.
I walked away without a word.
That was far more powerful than the thousand lies you told me.
We all have at one point or another took less than what we deserved. I will be the first to admit, there are things in my past that I took that no one should have to take. At the time, I didn’t know any better and thought this person would wake up and change. I was the person that needed to wake up and change. I don’t know what it was that sparked in my head, but it taught me a valuable lesson. I learned that I was worth being treated right, and if someone values you then they will not be treating you like anything less. This goes not only for your significant other, but friends and family too. You should value yourself enough to know what you deserve, how to get it, and how to walk away from those that give you less. If you feel like you are contributing more of an effort into the relationship (significant other, friend, relative etc..) than they are, chances are your gut didn’t steer you wrong. After a while, you will notice a pattern with this person. They call only when they need something from you. When you are going through a difficult time they aren’t there. This person will come up with excuses for their behavior. Be aware of this because this type of behavior might lead them to make you feel like you are the bad one. People that use others for only their benefit can be very manipulative and persuasive. This is why so many people out there stay in bad relationships, friendships etc… This person can and eventually will make you feel like it’s your fault, and that you deserve the bullshit they are handing you. Wake up, and let the sunshine into your life darling because you are worth so much more than that. When you realize that, you will almost immediately feel better. Next step is to kick these people completely out of your life. You don’t need them and don’t owe them an explanation either. Once you do that, the next step is finding out what makes you feel good because chances are this person knocked your self-esteem down quite a few notches. It can be something as simple as listening to music and dancing in your underwear when no one is there. I really got into fitness a few years ago and kicked it into high gear this past year. That is something I discovered that made me feel really good. I can’t explain it. It is my high in a sense. Now is the time to find your high (without actually getting high). Loving yourself and who you are is also very important. Chances are if you love yourself enough, you will be less likely to keep people like this in your life. you will also be better equipped to handle the aftermath this person (s) may cause. Something that also really helped me is every morning when I wake up and look in the mirror, I tell myself “you are amazing, you are worth something, and you are going to slay this day.” It might seem silly, but trust me it works. I will be making a whole separate blog post on self-love and encouragement. I want to thank all my readers, and I hope that I help someone out there going through this.
Does anyone else ever feel like a human lie detector? I feel like this is a true Scorpio thing. I can literally spot someone’s BS a mile away, and sense when they are about to lie to me. The one thing I cannot stand for is lies. I want the truth even if it kills me. I love it when these bullshitters actually think I believe their lies. I used to confront people who lied to me, but now I use it to my advantage. I let them think they are getting away with it, and throw it right back in their face when they are most vulnerable. Some may say that’s harsh, but it truly does stop them from lying to me again. What do you guys think?
A Pissed Off Scorpio
I will always have those moments in my life where I wish I would have spoken up. The moments where I wish I would have said what was so heavy on my heart. Those are the words my heart would not allow me to say. The things I buried deep, and the burden I carry with me every day. I believe we all have had moments in our life where we longed to say something, but the words were just easier to swallow than say. You come to the point where you have to decide do you let it eat you alive, or do you set it free and move past it. For the longest time, I let it eat me alive. It overtook me until I let it become me. I had become even more closed off from people. I stopped allowing people in until people no longer knew who I was anymore. I put on such a brave face every day that no one can ever tell how much pain I’m in or how great of a burden I’m carrying. I have and still to this day take care of everybody. I’m everyone’s shoulder to lean on. To the best of my ability, I always treat people the way I want to be treated. I’m there for everyone the way they should be there for me. Keyword should. Maybe one day they will wake up and do the same for me. That day has yet to come. Unfortunately, I have become accustomed to this. I never ask for anything from anyone. I am strong because I have been put through things where that was my only option. I am strong even when I don’t have to be. I am the type that would rather lose a limb than to ever let someone see me in my moment of weakness. Over the years I have learned that just because I’m strong doesn’t mean I don’t need someone to be there for me from time to time. I just keep hoping one day someone will tell me that I don’t have to be so strong because they will be there to take care of me even when I fall. Not only say that but actually follow through on those words. Maybe one day that person will hear the words my heart would never let me say and all the burdens that lay heavy on my chest will go away.
Today my abnormal psychology class had an interesting discussion on what is considered to be normal in today’s society. As a future psychologist, I absolutely hate the word abnormal. Who is to say what is normal and what isn’t. However, I do believe there are people who have mental disorders/ disabilities that impair and/ or complicates the individual’s quality of life. The discussion ultimately boiled down to the stigma against people who suffer from a mental disorder. This is a topic that really gets my blood boiling, and me being the blunt person I am I opened my big mouth in class today. It was incredible for me to see firsthand what people think about people who suffer from a mental disorder(s). I was shocked. People had such distorted and exaggerated images of what a person who suffers from a mental disorder acts like and even looks like. We use labels such as crazy, schizo, looney, abnormal, bipolar, OCD and so on. I hate labeling anyone and using words like that to define someone. A mental disorder should not define anyone. Instead of saying that person is bipolar or schizophrenic, we should be saying that person suffers from bipolar disorder or schizophrenia. Labeling people who suffer from these types of disorders has just added to the stigma. I have so much respect and love for the people who have a mental disorder. My passion and the thing that drives me the most about becoming a psychologist is that one day I am going to wake up every day of my life and improve the quality of life of an individual that society has basically shunned. Everyone no matter what they are suffering from should never feel any less of a human being because they suffer from a mental illness. I have made it my mission in life to actually help these individuals, and bring more awareness to mental illness. In doing so I hope to decrease the stigma around it. I decided to start a chapter at my school that is going to bring awareness to mental illness and what it actually is like to suffer from mental illness. I am beyond excited and will keep you guys posted on the progress and things I am doing with the chapter.
It has been two years officially since I started my weight loss journey. This journey went from focusing on the numbers dropping on the scale to me feeling good and healthy. In the beginning, I was more focused on the losing the weight and seeing the numbers drop on the scale. As time went on, I didn’t become satisfied with the way I was so idolized around the scale. Getting happy or discouraged if I lost or gained a pound. Weight loss and feeling good about yourself really begins with your mentality. Sometimes a person is just not as confident as they thought they were going to be after losing a certain amount of weight. Losing weight is just one component that contributes to feeling good and being healthy. When I realized that, everything changed. I wanted to be satisfied with my inner self as well as my outer self. I looked in the mirror and I told myself you make yourself who you are. No one has control of who you are and no one has the power to label you what you are for the rest of your life. I stopped getting on the scale, and I focused more on bring myself up rather than down. Anytime you want to make a change in your life, you have to do it for yourself. If you are making a change in your life for someone else such as losing weight, you will ultimately fail. You have to want this change for you. Chances are if you are doing it for the right reasons, you will have a much stronger drive to accomplish what you started. Overall surround yourself with positive people and positive thoughts. Don’t let anyone feed negative thoughts into your mind that can discourage you from your goal.