Do you ever feel like you’re in the wrong place like you’re destined to be somewhere else? No matter what you do or accomplish, you still have that feeling like you can do bigger and better things. This feeling never goes away for me. Ever since I could remember, I told people I would never stay where I was at. I knew at a very young age, I was meant to do something great, something big with my life. I realize for many people this may sound like aspirations. For a while, I tried to convince myself that it was just that. I thought I would wake up one day, and be content where I was at. The older I get, the stronger the feeling and/or urge is for me to pack everything and follow my gut. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy where I am now, but there is just something in me driving me to go out and do more in this world. This is making me question everything I have done up until this point. I’m in school right now, and my major is in clinical psychology. Whenever I start to question whether this is right for me, something occurs within my life that assures me I’m on the right path. This has proven to be true for other aspects of my life as well. However, the one thing that has never been certain for me is this place where I’m at right now. I ask myself sometimes where is home, and I realize it’s not here. I know it in my heart where I am supposed to be, but following through with this means leaving everything behind. I know when I leave, I’m going to end up hurting many people. That stopped me once before, but so much time has passed and my desire only grew stronger. It’s scary, but I know I will never be content with my life if I don’t follow through with it. So, this is for all the people taking a leap of faith, and following their dreams. The only time I can recall being scared and excited all at once.
Out of sight out of mind, am I right? If I don’t talk about it or think about will it go away on its own, or will the burden just weigh heavier on me? These questions go through my head on a daily basis. The feeling of waking up completely drenched in sadness, and wishing you hadn’t woken up in the first place. Not being able to physically get out of bed because the emotions have completely drained you. At times you know why you’re depressed, and there are times where you don’t have a clue. I am one of those people that bury my feelings, and will almost never share how I truly feel because I feel too much. When I do share, it’s only what I think that person can actually handle. My feelings are so complex that it’s hard for me to express to another person. If any of the above describes you, well then you know how especially difficult it is when those emotions flood through the walls you built up. It’s like knowing you’re going to get sucker punched, but just not when. It’s super difficult to deal with the aftermath of it all, and on top of that embarrassing because you don’t know when it will hit you. This has happened to me on several occasions. Crying for me is a way I let out all these emotions; despite the fact, I hate crying and avoid it at all costs. One of the most embarrassing times it has happened to me was at the gym. I was running on the treadmill and doing some deep thinking (not a very good idea for the record), and bam it hit me. The universe literally said screw you Sulvana, and the gates of Hell opened on me. I ran to the locker room immediately. I must have been in there for a good half hour crying till I became numb to it all, and could no longer feel. I can without a doubt say that this was a turning point for me. I realized then what I wish I would have a long time ago. We cannot hide our emotions, nor should we even try. The best way to handle something is right away. Don’t let these unpleasant feelings build up inside of you. It isn’t healthy, and for someone who has been battling depression, this can only make matters worse. Since then, I have become much better at opening up and allowing myself to feel that. I don’t want to sound like I have made a complete change in my life because I still struggle with opening up. I don’t fear facing reality. I just don’t want to feel that pain period. My biggest fear is feeling pain emotionally and psychologically. That is why I don’t have or keep very many people in my life. If that person has done something that hurt me whether it was intentional or not, I drop them from my life like they never existed. Sounds harsh right? People that have depression and battled with depression for a long time know this all too well. Over time, you learn that it’s not worth it to keep people in your life who feed the depression. I wanted to share this because there are so many people out there who have depression that you would think there is nothing wrong with them. I think a lot of people are going to be shocked after reading this because I hear the comment often that it seems like I have everything figured out and things just seem to be going really well for me. Truth is I been battling depression since the 4th grade, and I’m no longer ashamed and/ or afraid to say it.
The last few blog posts have received backlash from some readers. I would just like to say that it is my blog, therefore I can and will post what I choose. The poetry I have written express different parts of my life and stages I have gone through. I refuse to censor my writing. I’m not at all trying to be rude. Thank you to everyone who has and continues to read my blog. For the people that have a problem with it I suggest you don’t read at all or read at your own discretion. Sending love to all my readers.
We meet again old friend, it’s as if you never truly left. I feel you now even more so than before. You had me fooled, I wanted to believe in what I once thought was only in my dreams. There for a second I did actually believe. I believed that I had finally found the one that’s going to reciprocate my love. I believed that after all the hardships something good had finally come my way. I believed that I had found someone who adored me as much as I do them. I have since given up on those fairytales, and reverted back to old ways. A few tears and a glass of wine later, I accepted that this is just how it’s meant to be. After all it is better to have died with a cold heart than a broken one. You feel nothing instead of everything.
She walks amongst you all,
a force to be reckoned with.
She knows no pain,
for she has felt it all.
Her soul lit on fire,
burning the paths beneath her feet.
She is feared,
for she is in love with the darkness.
Constantly being reborn,
she carries the wisdom of over a thousand years.
The devil has nothing on her,
For she is a dead woman walking.
Promises of forever love and care is what you made.
As time went on the more and more your promises became broken.
You hurt the person that cared and loved you the most.
Little by little I became strong, and you became weak.
I started to pull away, and you tried to get closer.
I tried to leave, and once again you showed your true colors.
You told a thousand lies, for the countless of times you broke my heart.
Only this time I didn’t pretend to believe you.
I walked away without a word.
That was far more powerful than the thousand lies you told me.
Does anyone else ever feel like a human lie detector? I feel like this is a true Scorpio thing. I can literally spot someone’s BS a mile away, and sense when they are about to lie to me. The one thing I cannot stand for is lies. I want the truth even if it kills me. I love it when these bullshitters actually think I believe their lies. I used to confront people who lied to me, but now I use it to my advantage. I let them think they are getting away with it, and throw it right back in their face when they are most vulnerable. Some may say that’s harsh, but it truly does stop them from lying to me again. What do you guys think?
A Pissed Off Scorpio
I will always have those moments in my life where I wish I would have spoken up. The moments where I wish I would have said what was so heavy on my heart. Those are the words my heart would not allow me to say. The things I buried deep, and the burden I carry with me every day. I believe we all have had moments in our life where we longed to say something, but the words were just easier to swallow than say. You come to the point where you have to decide do you let it eat you alive, or do you set it free and move past it. For the longest time, I let it eat me alive. It overtook me until I let it become me. I had become even more closed off from people. I stopped allowing people in until people no longer knew who I was anymore. I put on such a brave face every day that no one can ever tell how much pain I’m in or how great of a burden I’m carrying. I have and still to this day take care of everybody. I’m everyone’s shoulder to lean on. To the best of my ability, I always treat people the way I want to be treated. I’m there for everyone the way they should be there for me. Keyword should. Maybe one day they will wake up and do the same for me. That day has yet to come. Unfortunately, I have become accustomed to this. I never ask for anything from anyone. I am strong because I have been put through things where that was my only option. I am strong even when I don’t have to be. I am the type that would rather lose a limb than to ever let someone see me in my moment of weakness. Over the years I have learned that just because I’m strong doesn’t mean I don’t need someone to be there for me from time to time. I just keep hoping one day someone will tell me that I don’t have to be so strong because they will be there to take care of me even when I fall. Not only say that but actually follow through on those words. Maybe one day that person will hear the words my heart would never let me say and all the burdens that lay heavy on my chest will go away.
It was my senior year of high school, everything is going amazing for me. I was a straight A student with an excellent GPA, and all my teachers loved me. I was the girl who had everything figured out, and already planned out what I wanted and what age I was going to get it. I had my whole life planned out. That year I was offered a full ride to Georgetown University. I was completely in shock; I had applied, but I didn’t think I was going to get a full ride. I remember going home that day so excited to tell my family. My family was always very proud of me, especially my father. My family had known for a long time all I wanted to do was get out of the small town I currently live in, and go to a much bigger city. Somewhere I could have an adventure, and write about all the amazing things I did. I live for travel and adventures.So, when I told my family that I would be moving they were not the least bit surprised. Everyone was happy for me, but sad at the same time that I would be leaving. I didn’t accept the offer right away even though I wanted to. I wanted to scream hell yes at the top of my lungs, and pack my bags right away. There was one thing holding me back from doing so. That one thing made me turn down the offer. I was secretly devastated by this. No one knew that at the time though. I look back from time to time and wonder what would have happened if I had accepted the offer. I wonder how my life would have turned out. I wonder if I would have been much happier. Most importantly I wonder if I made the right decision. Here I am two years later, faced with the same decision and I am completely at a loss of what I should do. Within the past year, my life here has completely changed. I rediscovered who I was, and what I wanted out of my life. I want a life filled with happiness, risks, wisdom, and adventure. I keep contemplating it in my mind if I can get all that and reside where I am today. A part of me wants to leave and go after this amazing life that I always dreamed of, but another part me is not ready to leave behind what I started here. Especially if what I started here is something that is meant to be. Decisions, decisions.
Today my abnormal psychology class had an interesting discussion on what is considered to be normal in today’s society. As a future psychologist, I absolutely hate the word abnormal. Who is to say what is normal and what isn’t. However, I do believe there are people who have mental disorders/ disabilities that impair and/ or complicates the individual’s quality of life. The discussion ultimately boiled down to the stigma against people who suffer from a mental disorder. This is a topic that really gets my blood boiling, and me being the blunt person I am I opened my big mouth in class today. It was incredible for me to see firsthand what people think about people who suffer from a mental disorder(s). I was shocked. People had such distorted and exaggerated images of what a person who suffers from a mental disorder acts like and even looks like. We use labels such as crazy, schizo, looney, abnormal, bipolar, OCD and so on. I hate labeling anyone and using words like that to define someone. A mental disorder should not define anyone. Instead of saying that person is bipolar or schizophrenic, we should be saying that person suffers from bipolar disorder or schizophrenia. Labeling people who suffer from these types of disorders has just added to the stigma. I have so much respect and love for the people who have a mental disorder. My passion and the thing that drives me the most about becoming a psychologist is that one day I am going to wake up every day of my life and improve the quality of life of an individual that society has basically shunned. Everyone no matter what they are suffering from should never feel any less of a human being because they suffer from a mental illness. I have made it my mission in life to actually help these individuals, and bring more awareness to mental illness. In doing so I hope to decrease the stigma around it. I decided to start a chapter at my school that is going to bring awareness to mental illness and what it actually is like to suffer from mental illness. I am beyond excited and will keep you guys posted on the progress and things I am doing with the chapter.